:P and i thought it was special..
“We broke down the walls one brick at a time. But infatuation cuts quick and you sharpen the knife. A smile can only get you so far, blue eyed suicide. I was willing to throw it all away but you couldn’t decide. A smile can only get you so far, blue eyed suicide. These walls will be higher next time you try to break them, break in. These walls will be higher next time you try to break them, break in. Your existence it burns my eyes, Every time I try and close them. I thought that things were different this time around. I thought I found someone who meant what they said. Beyond four letters, beyond four letters. I guess I thought that things were different this time around. I guess I thought that things were different this time around. I thought I found someone who meant what they said. Beyond four letters, beyond four letters. I guess I thought that things were different this time around.”
“One way to assist yourself in making positive choices is to make them in advance. You’ll plan very carefully so as to incorporate the new habits you want to establish.”
This is not my life. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.  She sighed heavily as the alarm clock buzzed insistently in her ear, realizing as she came out of her sleep-fog that nothing had changed magically overnight.  She did not want to get up and start the monotony of another work day.  Every day she woke up hoping that maybe this was all a dream, no, a nightmare, a bad joke.  This couldn’t really be her life… right? She crankily wiped the sleep from her eyes and slowly got dressed for another day of work at the restaurant.  This was NOT how she had envisioned her 20’s going; busting her ass at a dead-end job, barely making ends meet, working til all hours of the night, going out to drink away her troubles after work, tumbling into bed, waking up and doing it all over again.  Why hadn’t anyone warned her?  Why hadn’t anyone told her the truth about life after high school?  She supposed if someone had told her, “After high school, you’ll struggle to pay for your education, you’ll be in debt for an infinite amount of time,  and IF you are lucky enough to graduate and get a degree, you most likely won’t even be able to find a “real” job.  And even if you find a real job you’ll probably be unhappy and still be struggling to make ends meet, what with all the student loans you’ll be paying back.  Good luck, have fun!”, she wouldn’t have believed them anyway.  At 17, she had been so eager to be “independent”, an “adult” living on her own in an exciting new city, away from her parents and rules and restrictions.  She never dreamed that being an adult could be so awful and filled with responsibilities no one wants.  No one tells their younger counter-parts that they will be burdened with stress, unhappiness and money issues beyond their control.  No one wants to ruin the fantasy of a great life for them.  And maybe some people DID have that wonderful life, but she certainly wasn’t one of them.  She just felt so stuck, not to mention alone.  Every day, the same routine, getting her nowhere.   Some of her friends had already graduated, found jobs and settled into “adult” lives, while she still lived paycheck to paycheck, unable to save any money because it all went to rent, bills, food, etc.  How did people do it, she wondered?  Where was her rich grandparent/uncle/obscure relative that would swoop in and take care of her college education for her?  Where was her winning lottery ticket?  Where was her chance at living a good life?  How had she missed it? She ran around work on auto-pilot, not thinking, performing her job duties as she always did.  It was a particularly dreadful day, rude customers, everyone complaining, no one happy no matter how efficiently she worked.  She should be used to it by now, but somehow she was still bothered when people were assholes to her for no reason.  She did the best she could.  Why couldn’t they see that and cut her some slack?  Suddenly, she felt the shocking cold of liquid splashing upon her shirt, seeping icily into her skin and dripping down her chest.  She gasped, looking up to see a rather large customer not so successfully manuevering his way to the bathroom, knocking into her tray in his haste.  The customer glanced over at her sopping mess, shrugged casually, and continued on to the door.  She stood staring after him in amazement, still holding the tray in her sticky hand.  This is not my life.  This is not my life.  This is not my life.….

This is not my life.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. 

She sighed heavily as the alarm clock buzzed insistently in her ear, realizing as she came out of her sleep-fog that nothing had changed magically overnight.  She did not want to get up and start the monotony of another work day.  Every day she woke up hoping that maybe this was all a dream, no, a nightmare, a bad joke.  This couldn’t really be her life… right?

She crankily wiped the sleep from her eyes and slowly got dressed for another day of work at the restaurant.  This was NOT how she had envisioned her 20’s going; busting her ass at a dead-end job, barely making ends meet, working til all hours of the night, going out to drink away her troubles after work, tumbling into bed, waking up and doing it all over again.  Why hadn’t anyone warned her?  Why hadn’t anyone told her the truth about life after high school?  She supposed if someone had told her, “After high school, you’ll struggle to pay for your education, you’ll be in debt for an infinite amount of time,  and IF you are lucky enough to graduate and get a degree, you most likely won’t even be able to find a “real” job.  And even if you find a real job you’ll probably be unhappy and still be struggling to make ends meet, what with all the student loans you’ll be paying back.  Good luck, have fun!”, she wouldn’t have believed them anyway. 

At 17, she had been so eager to be “independent”, an “adult” living on her own in an exciting new city, away from her parents and rules and restrictions.  She never dreamed that being an adult could be so awful and filled with responsibilities no one wants.  No one tells their younger counter-parts that they will be burdened with stress, unhappiness and money issues beyond their control.  No one wants to ruin the fantasy of a great life for them.  And maybe some people DID have that wonderful life, but she certainly wasn’t one of them. 

She just felt so stuck, not to mention alone.  Every day, the same routine, getting her nowhere.   Some of her friends had already graduated, found jobs and settled into “adult” lives, while she still lived paycheck to paycheck, unable to save any money because it all went to rent, bills, food, etc.  How did people do it, she wondered?  Where was her rich grandparent/uncle/obscure relative that would swoop in and take care of her college education for her?  Where was her winning lottery ticket?  Where was her chance at living a good life?  How had she missed it?

She ran around work on auto-pilot, not thinking, performing her job duties as she always did.  It was a particularly dreadful day, rude customers, everyone complaining, no one happy no matter how efficiently she worked.  She should be used to it by now, but somehow she was still bothered when people were assholes to her for no reason.  She did the best she could.  Why couldn’t they see that and cut her some slack?  Suddenly, she felt the shocking cold of liquid splashing upon her shirt, seeping icily into her skin and dripping down her chest.  She gasped, looking up to see a rather large customer not so successfully manuevering his way to the bathroom, knocking into her tray in his haste.  The customer glanced over at her sopping mess, shrugged casually, and continued on to the door.  She stood staring after him in amazement, still holding the tray in her sticky hand.  This is not my life.  This is not my life.  This is not my life.….

Yeah, and? hmm.  I haven’t had the inspiration to write anything here, except to bitch and moan and I don’t really want to do that.  I wanted to write about stuff people would actually have an interest in reading about, and relate to, not stuff that’s like all complaints, etc.  Oh well.  I need to get back in the swing of writing though, I miss it. I will say something that’s been on my mind lately…  I don’t like losing friends. I’ve always been the kind of person that cares what others think of me, doesn’t like anyone to be mad at me or dislike me.  I envy people that have the “I don’t give a fuck if you like me or not, this is me” attitude.  But more and more lately, I’ve been realizing that some people are just NOT worth my time and effort to get them to like me.  I give so much of myself to people I call my friends, only to get little or nothing in return.  I’ve done it for as long as I can remember, but I guess now is the first time I’m realizing it’s a wasted effort and some people just do not deserve my time or friendship.  I’m a very loyal person, even after you’ve fucked me over.  But, it’s really time for a change. My new attitude, my new frame of mind is as follows:  You don’t like me, fine, I won’t be bothered with you.  You call yourself my friend and then fuck me over, then fuck you.  Get out of my life. If you call yourself my friend and you can’t make any effort to keep in contact with me, then you’re out of my life too.  I need to keep reminding myself this, but I’m taking the steps I need to to cut the shitty people out of my life.  All they do is bring me down, and why do I need that?  Why do I want to hold on to someone in my life if all they do is make me miserable?  That is not a true friend.  I guess I’m afraid of being alone, being friendless.  But I have a few awesome people in my life, so I don’t need to hang on to the UN-awesome ones.  So what if they don’t like me?  I shouldn’t let that bring me down so much.  I can be who I want to be without looking for anyone else’s approval.  Live, Repeat. At least I can learn from my mistakes, even though I’ve been making the same ones for quite some time now.

Yeah, and?

hmm.  I haven’t had the inspiration to write anything here, except to bitch and moan and I don’t really want to do that.  I wanted to write about stuff people would actually have an interest in reading about, and relate to, not stuff that’s like all complaints, etc.  Oh well.  I need to get back in the swing of writing though, I miss it.

I will say something that’s been on my mind lately…  I don’t like losing friends. I’ve always been the kind of person that cares what others think of me, doesn’t like anyone to be mad at me or dislike me.  I envy people that have the “I don’t give a fuck if you like me or not, this is me” attitude.  But more and more lately, I’ve been realizing that some people are just NOT worth my time and effort to get them to like me.  I give so much of myself to people I call my friends, only to get little or nothing in return.  I’ve done it for as long as I can remember, but I guess now is the first time I’m realizing it’s a wasted effort and some people just do not deserve my time or friendship.  I’m a very loyal person, even after you’ve fucked me over.  But, it’s really time for a change.

My new attitude, my new frame of mind is as follows:  You don’t like me, fine, I won’t be bothered with you.  You call yourself my friend and then fuck me over, then fuck you.  Get out of my life. If you call yourself my friend and you can’t make any effort to keep in contact with me, then you’re out of my life too.  I need to keep reminding myself this, but I’m taking the steps I need to to cut the shitty people out of my life.  All they do is bring me down, and why do I need that?  Why do I want to hold on to someone in my life if all they do is make me miserable?  That is not a true friend. 

I guess I’m afraid of being alone, being friendless.  But I have a few awesome people in my life, so I don’t need to hang on to the UN-awesome ones.  So what if they don’t like me?  I shouldn’t let that bring me down so much.  I can be who I want to be without looking for anyone else’s approval.  Live, Repeat. At least I can learn from my mistakes, even though I’ve been making the same ones for quite some time now.

never meant to i keep finding little pieces of you. random, inconsistent reminders sharp little stabs in my chest almost like finding slivers of my heart scattered about carelessly kicked around, stepped on - found. picked up, brushed off. veinly attempting to fit it back in. but it’s too late. can’t reverse the damage done. forever these pieces will remain disconnected. leaving tiny tears in me maybe one day i’ll find that perfectly fitting piece. till then… is this why it hurts, i wonder, staring at you, staring at my heart, fractured, not where it should be. let me have it back. i never meant to give it to you… but now that you have it, could you help me mend it?

never meant to

i keep finding little pieces of you.

random, inconsistent reminders

sharp little stabs in my chest

almost like

finding slivers of my heart

scattered about

carelessly

kicked around,

stepped on -

found.

picked up, brushed off.

veinly attempting to fit it back in.

but it’s too late.

can’t reverse the damage done.

forever these pieces will remain

disconnected.

leaving tiny tears in me

maybe one day i’ll find

that perfectly fitting piece.

till then…

is this why it hurts,

i wonder,

staring at you,

staring at my heart,

fractured,

not where it should be.

let me have it back.

i never meant to give it to you…

but now that you have it,

could you help me mend it?

“you shut your mouth / how can you say / i go about things the wrong way? / i am human and i need to be loved / just like everybody else does / there’s a club if you’d like to go / you could meet somebody who really loves you / so you go and you stand on your own / and you leave on your own / and you go home and you cry / and you want to die / when you say it’s gonna happen “now” / well when exactly do you mean? / see i’ve already waited too long / and all my hope is gone.”
“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”
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